shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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