I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
