Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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