Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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