i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
