Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
