and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
