There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
