i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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