if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
