Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
