Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
