The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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