DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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