You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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