The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
