She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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