I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Someone came in the potted fern
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
