brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
