he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
