and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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