I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
