ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
