hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
