Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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