i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
