We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
