yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
