Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
