My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
