have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
