I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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