oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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