woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
