i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
