I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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