i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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