The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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