Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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