the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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