hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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