Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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