addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i've created a new STD.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
