Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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