you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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