Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
