i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
