God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
