I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
