Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
