Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
