There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
